Hi asdf,

Thanks for reaching out here and telling us your story. It sounds like you’re getting tired of having to tell it again and again and not really finding anyone who’s willing to help you.

Looking for an answer seems like it’s wearing you down. It sounds like you feel like you’re standing on a table shouting, and everyone is just walking by as if nothing was happening at all. It’s scary to think that you’re feeling so ignored that you would consider threatening suicide just to get someone to TRULY hear how you’re struggling. I can definitely hear how REAL and frustrating this is for you, and how important it is to have someone listen. I wonder what you would tell people if they finally stopped to listen to you? What kind of help would you ask for? Is there anyone in the past who has helped you out?

We can’t tell you what to do here, but we can definitely listen to the feelings that you’re having and be a sounding board for any ideas that you do have. I know that you said that online stuff wasn’t working for you — let us know if you change your mind, and we can post some links for you, and maybe talk about some of the ideas that are on them?

This is tough stuff to deal with asdf, and even more difficult when you end up being so alone with it. I can imagine that the lack of support leaves you feeling devalued and intensely frustrated and angry. We’re definitely here for you, both on the forum and chat. There is also email counselling available on our website — it’s a bit slow (a few days between responses), but it gets you in contact with a professional counsellor.

Keep connected,
The Support Team

Sparrow, you leave me speechless. I had to think about your writing for a while before I could feel at all ready to approach answering you, because I found it so evocative and moving. I’m glad that you reached out here, and that you shared your writing, because I think that you brought to life some huge emotions here. I can hear that you’re feeling really low right now, and that you wish to be able to float away from the pain of it all. You say that you’ve fallen back into the eating disorder, and I get the impression that that “relapse” has triggered some really sad and dark feelings for you, and has left you feeling like someone other than yourself, since you say that you normally love life, and yet find yourself wanting to slip away from it all… I’m imagining that you’re feeling really hopeless and helpless right now, in the face of the thoughts and feelings that are running through your mind.

There are a few themes in your writing that seem to have particular strength. First, I hear a lot of pain because of a disconnect that seems to exist between you and everyone around you — you mention “far away voices”, and these lines in particular make it sound like you’re fighting a battle that nobody else seems to notice because they only see the very outer layer: “Gracefully you float, weightless you seem / If only they could see the endless in between.” I can imagine that you feel really isolated and alone with the heavy emotions that you carry every day.

I also notice that it sounds as though there are battles constantly being waged in you, and that the terrible spectres and creatures that exist there are causing so much tension and pain that it seems sometimes like you’re drowning with it. I can hear a profound sense of being separated from reality and a sadness of the loss of dreams and hope as you remain frozen in a painful place that nobody else can see or understand.

There are so many strong emotions, and yet also an engulfing numbness present in your words, Sparrow. You mention that it feels like things have changed and where you used to love life, you now yearn for relief from it. Guilt has held you back, you say…but I’m wondering if you’re thinking now about ending your life?

I’m glad that you have come here to share your words and experience with us. Please continue to use the forum whenever you want, and know that you can also chat live with us any night(6-11pm PST).

The Support Team

grenouille19, you’re not at all a bother to us…we absolutely want to hear from you, especially as it sounds like you’ve got so little support elsewhere right now. Know that when you’re feeling alone with everything you can turn to us to talk about it.

I would guess it’s incredibly stressful to go through your days seeing spiders all over everything, and being told what to do by voices in your head. I imagine these things are incredibly distracting and disorienting when they happen, and are taking over your ability to concentrate on important things like exams or driving. I remember that you were getting support in a hospital for a while, do you have any supports or resources outside of the hospital that can help you cope with hallucinations?

I get the sense you’re feeling really fed up with life right now and how much of a fight each day has begun to feel. I’m wondering if you have been thinking about ending your life?

Thank you for staying connected when things are difficult,
the Support Team

Hi Michelle2466,

Thank you for having the courage to reach out and share your story on our forum. I can hear how overwhelming your situation is for you and how hard you’ve been fighting to stay alive. I want you to know that no one deserves to be abused or called names and that we are here to listen and support you through this difficult time.

It seems as though you’re fighting an epic battle in your mind and on one hand you have the urge to end your life and your suffering but on the other hand you want to find a way to live, free from all of the hurt. I can hear that there is no one in your life you feel safe sharing your dark spaces with but I wonder if there are any other resources you might be able to access such as a local crisis line? We also offer a live chat service 6-11pm PST nightly (and until 12am PST Friday and Saturday nights) which offers one-on-one support.

We want to help you find ways to stay safe and keep fighting Michelle 2466.

The Support Team

Thank you for your honesty Sophiexx, and for your strength in sharing your struggle with us. The resiliency you show by continuing to talk is inspiring.

I can hear that you feel really unstable right now, like you don’t know what tomorrow with bring. You are stuck on a rollercoaster ride of emotions, unsure of how to control the speed and direction of your journey. I’m wondering if you have found anything that helps your gain control or feel grounded in those moments when you find yourself upside-down?

Seems like you feel really isolated right now. There are people all around watching out for you, but I get the sense that you don’t trust them, or don’t feel supported?

You sound really self-aware, like you know when you need emergency support, it’s brave of you to be so honest with yourself. Are you able to call the police for yourself when you need them Sophiexx? Remember that if you do need emergency help and cannot call for yourself that we can help you with that (in Chat).

Stay connected Sophiexx. We hear your pain
– The Support Team

grenouille

Please know that you are not at all a burden! I can hear how alone and isolated you feel right now and I’m really glad you keep connecting with us. We want to support you in this challenging time.

Seems like nothing is going your way right now. I get the sense that you feel unprepared to deal with the voices in your head and the hallucinations that overcome you. Does anyone else know how bad things are for you?

It hurts to think of how hopeless you feel grenouille. Thank you for continuing to show strength in your struggle, whats keeping you going right now?

We care about you.
The Support Team

Hi shayxo,

I’m glad that you found us when you were feeling so utterly alone with the pain and worry. It sounds like since you and your ex broke up, you’ve lost yourself somewhat, and it’s proving really difficult to find yourself again. By that I mean that you’re doing things that you feel are “not you at all” – maybe to cope with the pain of the breakup? – and that it has been leaving you hurt and sad and confused a lot.

When you started seeing this guy from the dating site, it seems like you felt a good connection, and felt ready to invest a little more in someone again — even if he has been kind of “hot and cold”. I’m guessing that you were kind of hoping that he might be the one who could help you feel more complete again, and you let yourself be vulnerable with him. But when he didn’t respond to your messages, it must have felt like you were being abandoned and betrayed.

That was a few days ago now…how are you feeling now?
It sounds like you’re really kicking yourself for things that you’ve done. It sounds like you don’t feel like anyone would want to support you, and that even if they did, you’re not worth their time. That’s a huge burden to bear, shayxo, and I’m scared that the worthlessness and pain you’re feeling might lead you to end your life. You say that you wish you could kill yourself (and I’m glad you’re honest!). I wonder what is helping you keep yourself safe when you’re feeling so alone? Reaching out here is a good step, and I encourage you to use the chat and email counselling as well if you feel like you are in need.

We are here for you.
The Support Team