Forum Replies Created
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Hi Martin,
It’s so lovely to hear how much better things are going for you – thank you for taking the time to share your experience and hope here on our forum as I’m sure there are others who can benefit from your message. I can hear that your perspective on your life has shifted now that high school has ended and you’re embarking on the next chapter of your life in college.
I get the sense that your relationship with this girl is very special to you… despite her feelings being different than yours you have maintained a friendship which means a lot to you. It sounds as though you are opening yourself up to her and feeling that the risk is being honoured with your friendship growing deeper.
I’d imagine that the one weekend you mentioned was incredibly difficult with your dad’s cancer and feeling hurt by your ex. I’m sure at the time it felt like the darkness was infinite and never ending but then something changed for you and you’ve found the lightness once more.
I hope you are able to hang onto this new hope as your move forward in your journey Martin. Know that we are always here to listen if you need a safe place to share what’s happening in your life.
The Support TeamHi Blackrainbows,
You may notice that we’ve edited your post to remove specific details of self-harm and disordered eating. We do this to ensure the forum is safe for all members without fear of being triggered but please know that our staff read and respond to your entire original post.
I can hear how much fear you have around the future once you return from being away — as though the last remaining roadblocks are being pulled away and there is nothing to stop you from driving full speed ahead into those hurtful behaviours. I get the sense that you wonder what that would look like and how far and fast you could go without crashing. It seems like, when you’re self-harming, that your thoughts are consumed by the process. I wonder if there is anything that brings relief from the obsession once you’ve begun?
Thank you for sharing so openly your story of how depression entered your life — it seems as though it crept in quietly at first and, before you knew what was happening, it had made a home for itself inside of your head. I can hear how much you searched for answers and found that knowledge of the problem didn’t offer much of a solution. It seems like the harder you fought to crawl out of the hole you were sinking into the more dirt piled on top of you and forced you into darker places.
I get the sense that during this time you’ve had an opportunity to step back from the self-harm and eating disorder and see your story as though from the outside. . I wonder if there is anyone in your life that knows how you’re feeling or if there is someone you might feel comfortable sharing this with? I can hear in your post that a part of you wants to avoid returning to these patterns and I want you to know that we are here to support you. I hope you’ll continue to share with us here and through our chat service (6-11pm PST nightly). We are here to listen
The Support Team
Dan,
My heart really goes out to you. It is terrifying to think that you are becoming physically ill from your thoughts. I can truly hear the depth of your sadness. And it sounds like having such a visceral reaction made the feelings that much more real, and made you want help very much.I can imagine that it must be very painful to always feel like a job, and like the care people sometimes don’t seem like they are doing what is in their job title. I can hear your frustration with them, and how much more lonely and isolated it makes you feel.
You have such resilience, Dan. We see the strength in the fact that you keep reaching out for help when you are struggling with the decision of life vs. death. The hardest thing right now must be feeling that even though you are so close to ending it all, and you are not taken seriously and are not welcome at the hospital. I hope that you remember that we are here for you, and that even though we are online and not in person, we care very much about you, Dan.
I can hear how your mind runs over the “long journey” that you have ahead if you choose to live. When you are feeling suicidal, it must seem like a horrible thought that things might continue on with so much pain. :’( When the pills kick in, things seem brighter, and perhaps it’s easier to imagine life in the future? I wonder what has kept you going lately?
Packages come and go, tossed this way and that, sometimes without thought for the delicate contents. A package gets bruised and battered, and falls upside-down. But when the package is finally opened, and the contents revealed, somebody finally gets to see the beauty that the workers missed when they were flinging it every which way. We believe that you have strength and beauty, Dan, that are very much worth fighting for. I’m so glad that you continue to connect here and over chat. I can hear how close the thoughts of death were lurking the other day, and it scares me for you. We’re here to help you fight those thoughts however we can.
<3
The Support TeamOh Dan,
It sounds as though things are becoming unravelled with your family gone and the thoughts in your head are getting really strong. I can understand that it doesn’t all stem from your parents going away… I can imagine though, that without their presence, your feeling of being a job is a lot more powerful, and death seems especially tempting. Your life seems largely determined for you, and built out of the expectations of other people, and I can hear how deeply you just want to be done with all of it. I can hear how badly you want to escape. :’(
You say that the thoughts and loneliness are strong enough that you feel like you should go to a hospital but are not welcome to do so…. It’s like you are calling for help and nobody is there to answer. I get the sense that the nurse stands out as an example of a time when you tried to get support and ended up with misunderstanding. It must be hugely upsetting to feel like when you are in so much distress, you still have to act a certain way and perhaps pretend not to be in the emotional pain you feel.
We want to help you however we can Dan, because we can hear how isolated you’re feeling. If you feel like you are in crisis, and our chat service is open, we might be able to connect you to a team of mental health workers who help people dealing with suicidal thoughts. Suicide IS a difficult topic, and it can be hard to find people willing to talk to you. Please chat in if you want help accessing extra supports. We are always ready to talk to you here, and to hear whatever you have to get off your mind, but we know that sometimes things feel bigger than that…
The Support TeamHello Square, welcome to the youthspace forum,
Our services are all anonymous, as long as we don’t fear that you or someone else is in immediate danger. Hopefully that reassures you a bit about your family and friends? I can imagine that it feels like everything would just fall apart if they knew how you were feeling inside?
I’m sorry to hear that you find yourself so utterly unworthy. From what you say, it must be hard to do anything at all for yourself, since you feel like you are not worth any of it. That voice must wear you down incredibly, Square. Like every time you try to interact with people, there’s a narrative of disgust laid overtop of the whole experience, telling you that they can see the truth, and know how worthless you really are? I get the sense that even though you can tell that people don’t necessarily think poorly of you, your emotions don’t reflect that — you FEEL the judgement so strongly regardless of whether it’s there or not…
I wonder if it’s leaving you wondering what’s real and what your mind has created? I can hear how much confusion and stress is surrounding you right now. With all these feelings of worthlessness and being out of control, I wonder if you have had any thoughts of killing yourself?
It sounds like you really want to work for a way to feel okay about yourself. We can’t give you advice on how to do that, but we’re here to listen and support you as you work through it.
The support TeamDan,
It sounds like on the scale that you mention, the mornings are a much higher number than the evenings, when you are on your medication. I can tell that the see-saw between up and down is frustrating in its own way, because when you feel better, you sense that it’s because of the pills, and that it might soon change again.
The bad thoughts, the thoughts of suicide, must seem like a comfort sometimes, when endlessly you have to force yourself to play along with the role that you have in your own life. I can hear how desperately you crave anything that would make you feel like less of a job. :’(
I’m glad that you talk about it all here, Dan, because especially in the summer, it sounds like you are really low on support and understanding from other supports. I can imagine that things seem particularly bleak right now, when you have just lost your friend, and now have to face the weeks while your parents are gone with little help. Do you think that there is anything that might help you to distract yourself from the bad thoughts while your family is away? Of course, as always, we are here for you during that time.
-The Support Team
Hello there blackrainbows.
Your story is poignant and carries a bitter but empowered tone. You’ve clearly seen some incredible darkness and made a very conscious choice to see yourself survive it and come out stronger than those who were cruel to you. Your words are powerful, and you’re right that you are amazing – amazing for fighting the long fight you’ve been fighting, and for making such a deliberate choice to take care of yourself, despite so many dark feelings and thoughts.
That must have taken tremendous courage. I’m betting that a lot of the time, the urge to just give up and give in to the exhaustion and pain are strong enough that you doubt your ability to keep on going in the direction that you have chosen. It must be a struggle all the time when your mind keeps telling you that you are as worthless as people treated you for so long… You talk a lot about self-harm, and I’m wondering if you ever harm to a point where your life is at risk?
Your strength and passion are moving, and so is the deep sadness that you express. I can hear a lot of frustration that you’re still carrying the burden of how others treated you. You are right when you say that you did not deserve it, but I can hear that even with that shield, it’s hard to hold back the demons of self-harm, self-hatred, and suicide. It’s almost as though you are mourning the loss of the self-love and happiness that you might have felt if it hadn’t been forced away.
I am in awe of the compassion and understanding that you have for yourself when you say things like “Well I have searched and searched and the fact is that there are a lot of similarities in the way you used to treat me and the way I treat myself now” — I can really hear how hurt you are to have been shaped in such a profound way by the cruelty that you experienced. And even as you show such a deep introspection, I can still hear how when you examine yourself, you see someone that is only worthy of hate. My heart goes out to you as you fight the echoes of the past, because it sounds as though the confusion and desolation are intense.
As you walk down the path you chose, blackrainbows, we are here to help however we can…by providing a safe place to spill your feelings here, or over the chat service (6-11pm PST). We’re here to listen to the pain and the hope.
-The Support Team
Hi Dan,
I’m hearing you say that when you don’t have your medication your thoughts turn to those that you feel don’t truly care for you and wonder how they would react if you were to disappear off of this earth. It seems like your energy is so focused on making those around you happy that you have none left to nurture yourself or give thought to your own well being. I wonder if there is anything you do that is just for yourself — to honour all that you give to others?
I want to check in with the thoughts of suicide you’ve been discussing here lately — I get the sense that when you talk in this post about being gone you are referring to ending your life — am I correct? I want to check in with how strong those thoughts are right now and what can be done to help keep you safe?
I’m glad that you are so willing to open up here about your thoughts and feelings Dan. We are here to listen and to support you.
The Support TeamDan,
I can hear how the isolation and exclusion of past summers is haunting you right now. Seems that mornings are a particularly challenging time for you, but also a time when you feel you have access to your true emotions. I’m thinking that morning times are bitter-sweet, as you are able to both feel and communicate your feelings with intensity.
Sounds like you have been waking up to a black wall of sadness for a very long time now Dan. I want you to know that you deserve to be happy. Seems that you are sick and tired of being trapped as the third wheel, from morning to night, but unsure what to do to change your circumstances.
I can appreciate how powerless you feel right now Dan. I’m wondering if there are times or things that help you feel included and supported?
The Support TeamHey there Dashing Daisy. It really seems like your life in the past year has been a precariously balanced line of dominoes, and that when the first domino tipped it triggered the whole line to come crashing down. I can hear how emotionally ragged you feel, and I imagine you’ve been completely blindsided by the problems that have arisen in your life as a result of your struggles with health.
I can hear how lonely you are feeling right now, longing for the comfort of a friend who is shutting you out. I can hear you are feeling frustrated that he does not fully understand how your mental health has affected your engagement in the relationship. I would guess a part of you is grieving the closeness you once shared, and that you are struggling to find an outlet for the feelings you would have at one time confided in him.
It sounds like you’ve hit some really low points recently, Dashing Daisy, and that both suicide and self harm have been on the table for you. Can you tell me where your thoughts are at around suicide right now? I can hear that while you have turned to self harm recently, you have also found your boundaries with it and stopped yourself from hurting yourself to a dangerous level. Do you feel confident you can continue to maintain those boundaries with yourself?
Glad to hear from you, Dashing Daisy, I hope you’ll keep in touch as you navigate the difficulties in your reality right now
the Support Team
Absolutely, FallenAngel, we will reply to all your posts here and we welcome you to reach out to us whenever you need it.
It sounds like poetry gives you a creative outlet for the energy you might otherwise put towards self harm. I can hear how much you are feeling like you are fighting a losing battle with self harm, but I am encouraged to hear that you continue to fight. I get the sense that maintaining trust with your parents is really important to you, and that as much as it aches sometimes it is getting you through.
One of my favourite online resources is the National Self Harm Network website. They have this amazing link which we share a lot here on youthspace, so I apologize if you’ve seen it before: http://www.nshn.co.uk/downloads/Distractions.pdf There’s quite a few ideas of things you can try to avoid self harm, I’d love to hear what you think
As always, we’re “hear” for you
the Support TeamHey confusedandalone, welcome to the forum. It sounds like you’ve got some really big questions about your brother’s violence and what it might mean. I don’t know much about what qualifies as abuse, but what I can hear is that your brother’s violence is scary for you and that you don’t know who to turn to for help. I get the sense you are feeling guilty or responsible for his anger because it is directed specifically at you and things you have done. I am really worried about what it means for you when your brother gets angry, and how much he has hurt you and might hurt you again. Does anyone else in your life know what happens to you when your brother gets angry?
I would guess it’s frustrating not to be able to find the answers you were looking for about what qualifies as abuse. At youthspace we will listen to support you with whatever is weighing on your mind, but we don’t have a lot of answers or advice to give. Are you posting from somewhere in Canada? Most provinces have a phone number where anybody can call and report or ask questions about child abuse. If you’re comfortable telling me where you are we can try to find that number for you?
Hang in there, confusedandalone, and keep connecting with supports. We’re “hear” for you
the Support Team
Hey anna, welcome to the forum. Seems as though you’re really angry at your boyfriend for betraying your wishes on Canada Day, and that underneath your anger is heartbreak and sadness that he would lie to you. I would guess you feel disrespected that he made the decision to drink some shots that night, knowing how important it was to you that he not drink at all. I can hear how much doubt it has put in your mind that you can trust him with anything after he lied to you about drinking.
It sounds like you’re feeling torn between your raw feelings of betrayal and hurt that he would do this to you, and your hope that you can find a way to trust him and continue your relationship. I get the sense you care about your boyfriend and don’t want to hurt or frustrate him with your feelings, but also don’t want those feelings to just go ignored. What would you say to a friend in the same situation? Would you think they were overreacting? What advice might you give them?
We’re here for you in this frustrating time, anna. I’m glad you came here to talk about it, and know you can continue to count on us to listen
the Support Team
