Hey Styxzo, welcome to the youthspace forum.

I get a sense you’re feeling a storm of uncomfortable feelings building up an immense pressure inside of you, and you are desperately searching for a way to relieve that pressure before it bursts and wreaks ultimate destruction over you. I’m hearing that you feel badly for being in such emotional turmoil, and I would guess you feel reluctant to burden any one with your stress. Does anyone in your life know how bad things have become for you? Is there anyone you’ve been able to go to in the past for support? I’m glad you’ve found us, and know you are welcome to use our forum and chat service to vent. We’re “hear” for you

It sounds like thoughts of suicide were overtaking you yesterday and that you’ve become fairly certain that suicide is the only way you can reach an end to your torment. I’m so scared to hear you in such a dark, desperate place Styxzo, and I hope that you are finding enough strength within you to fight the urge to die. Is there anything you are able to do for yourself to help you get through the darkest moments?

Keep connecting, Styxzo, we want to hear from you and help you find some relief from the storm

the Support Team

It sounds like you spend a lot of your energy caring about those around you without feeling like you’re receiving any of that energy or concern back from those people. I can imagine it must feel very vulnerable to open your heart to the world and for it to seem as though no one notices or cares.

I’m so sad to hear that your sister misunderstood your intentions when you shared your pain with her — your pain in this world is certainly valid, regardless of the circumstances of others who are also suffering. It’s like you’re standing in a crowded room yelling and no one seems to hear that you need some help.

I’m really sorry to hear you didn’t get a response when you reached out using another aspect of our service. If you were chatting in with us it may have been a high-volume night and I’d encourage you to try again. If you were using the e-counselling service they normally respond within 5 business days… if it’s been longer than that then please email [email protected] with the details of when you contacted the online counselor so we can ensure the service is working properly.

I’m glad you’ve decided to reach out to the counselors at your school. It’s really scary to see that you’ve been thinking so much about suicide these days without anyone knowing how serious things are for you. I hope you will continue to check in with us here and through our chat service (open 6-11 PST every night) so we can offer you support

The Support Team

Hey there icemonster,

I can hear from your post that life is listless for you right now…seems that your life is painted in melancholy. I can really hear your isolation, feeling like no one understands how badly you are struggling because you seem to have recovered. I’m imagining that while on the outside you are functioning, you still feel very susceptible to the roller coaster ride of bipolar. I can only imagine how vulnerable you feel to these moods and the affect they have on you and your life :S Thank you for opening up to us about your fear of the future and what turning 19yrs will mean for you. What/who do you usually turn to when you’re feeling unstable?

Sounds like suicide has been an option for you in the past, perhaps death presents itself as an alternative to these extreme states of high/low. I’m wondering, is suicide on your mind tonight? I hope you know that we can support you via Chat (6-11pm PST) too.

What sorts of strong emotions are you feeling right now? I hope you continue to connect with us, and add us to your support system.

Here for you,
the Support Team

Thank you for your courage to post so honestly here. I want you to know that the Support Team reads and responds to your entire original post but we have posted an edited version to omit details that may be triggering to our other posters.

I understand that the high school experience you’ve had so far is far different from the magical time that you’ve heard others describe it to be. It must feel terribly unjust to endure so much emotional turmoil when it seems that those around you are having the time of their lives.

I can hear how exhausted you feel trying to fight against the bullying and depression while feeling like no one understands your pain and thinks you’re being a “drama queen” when you’re really asking for them to hear you. It seems that you’ve put a lot of thought into how your death might affect those you care about and how they would react.
I imagine that you care deeply how these people feel towards you and how they would feel if you were to end your life. Is there anyone in your life who knows how sad and hopeless you’ve been feeling? Is there anyone you would feel comfortable to share these feelings with?

I’m certainly glad you took the risk to share your experience here

The Support Team

Hi Adam,

Thank you so much for your courage to post on our forum. I can hear your struggle in supporting your girlfriend through her desire to end her life. Sounds like you have been a strong support to her despite the emotional roller coaster that you’ve been riding.

I would guess it’s a really dark place for you to be in when you think about the worst possible outcome. Seems really frightening to think that someone you really care about is considering ending their life, and I get a sense the thought of losing her is devastating and unbearable.

I can imagine the frustration of trying to convince her that she has more to live for than she thinks. Not to mention the rejection that I would guess you feel when she concludes that there is “no reason”. I am really worried for your girlfriend and am wondering if anyone else knows what she is going through?

It seems that you are willing to do whatever it takes to help your girlfriend through this. I am also concerned about you and am curious, who is there to support you, and how are you taking care of yourself through these dark and and scary times?

Keep up your strength and bravery Adam. We are here for you.

The Support Team

allie,

We’re glad to see you on here again. The loneliness that you feel sounds like an abyss — like you’re alone in an emptiness that seems to have no bottom. I get the sense that you feel a huge disconnect between yourself and others, born of the fact that you can’t share your inner turmoil with them because the pain, judgment, and misunderstanding would be too much to handle.

And perhaps because the inner turmoil is too huge to fit into tiny things like words…?

I get the sense that after writing out your original message here, it was probably hard to respond again…maybe it was almost too exhausting to reply? I’m glad you did, and that you expressed those parts of our that response hit home for you. “anything, just to feel some relief” is one that seems to have touched you — I’m wondering if you’ve been thinking about the possibility of suicide as a way to halt the mental agony?

We are here for you allie.
-The Support Team

Hey Dan,

It sounds like despite everything that you might try, you mind sometimes takes you on trips into the past…trips that can really bring up a lot of old pain. It’s obviously a source of pain and dread to think about either the past or the future, and you so often find yourself being reminded or them, whether you like it or not…

I can hear that your birthday coming up is a mental burden because it brings with it so much agony and thoughts about going on in a life that seems unlivable. I’m guessing that it seems particularly dark to feel as though the celebration isn’t anything you really have a choice about. :’(

We’re here to hear those “unheard” feelings, Dan
-The Support Team

Jay,

I hear you about the sun; it’s been tremendously beautiful here! Cool that you’re getting out some when you can; I’m told that it’s good for you.

It’s a lot of turmoil and change that you’ve been going through in the last couple of days, from the sound of it. It sounds like your friend coming back to town created a wave of relief and gratitude, but that the emotional chaos that surrounded your reunion rocked the boat somewhat too, and you’ve had to work hard at not falling right out into the waves. :S

I think I can understand how the dinner with your friends -something that seems from the outside like it should have been simple and joyous — was filled with all kinds of expectations and unspoken pressures for you. Even though your friends are wonderful and understanding, it sounds like a daunting task to relive the struggle and pain that you’ve been through in order to express your experience. That night was especially hard, it sounds like, because you came out of the dinner feeling so low about yourself for getting so emotional and out of control when you were just trying to be yourself. I can hear how the intensity of emotion is still very overwhelming at moments…

I’m glad to hear that you were able to have a good heart-to-heart with your friend who just got back. She sounds like a great person who is really willing to take the time and hear what’s going on for you. It also sounds like she had some perspectives and stories to share that helped you feel less alone with your emotions and more willing to reach out to professional supports?

“One step back, two steps forward” indeed, Jay. It does sound like that…like you are working hard to face the demons that have been haunting you, and along the way there are some nights that absolutely knock you flat with distress, but that you’re also learning about yourself and figuring out who you can trust to truly listen when you need it. Your descriptions of both of your friends are filled with powerful sentiments, and really reflect the connection and love that you feel towards them. I’m curious if writing it out here helped clarify those things that you love about them? (I know that some people can solidify thoughts that are floating around in their minds by writing them out)

It’s also good to hear that even though there were tears, there was also some laughter. There’s so much hope in your words, Jay, and I think it shows HUGE strength. We will be here for you as you navigate all the chaos…

-The Support Team