Forum Replies Created
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Vel,
Wow. We use the analogy of a rollercoaster a lot here, because we know that sometimes it can feel like a wild and terrifying ride when you’re strapped in to your own emotions and unable to escape. I can hear how vividly that metaphor represents the chaos, the unpredictability, and the extreme emotional discomfort that you have been feeling.
You’ve been battling feelings of suicide and emotional agony for a long time, from the sounds of it, as well as trying to avoid the judgment and misunderstanding that seems to come from your family. I am sorry to hear that you have been so entirely isolated with the pain — that you find your family to be on such a different page from you, and that you are no longer able to contact your best friend and your internet supports. I can imagine that losing some of those connections might be feeding into the feeling you mention having of disconnectedness —almost like it is too painful and intolerable to interact with people in their normal lives and normal opinions, so you’ve had to create a space for yourself in which you don’t interact with them much, but now it seems like the wall is permanent?
It sounds like you are coming apart, vel. The way that you describe things is reminiscent of a dream – that feeling of being there and not being there all at once, and of another presence, one that impacts you even though it’s maybe not even there. I’m guessing that when you are falling asleep randomly as well, and having dreams that are as violent and disorienting as you describe, it makes it all that much more difficult to distinguish what is real. I can hardly imagine how dazed and completely unsettled you feel.
I get the impression that you had begun to feel very accepting of the thoughts of death. You say that you were keeping yourself alive because you know how it would ruin your family, and it’s clear that you feel very resigned and hopeless for yourself except as a part of other people’s lives. I can hear, though, that the current chaos and strange, disturbing mental and emotional experiences you’re having have thrown that calm off — it sounds like now more than ever, you are agitated and feeling unable to get through moments. It sounds like you are feeling so unreal and disconnected that you are having trouble keeping in touch with even the composure that you used to feel about your own plans for death. I get the sense that you have gone from feeling like you were in endless pain but somewhat in control to just feeling entirely unhinged. Please correct me if I’m wrong on that.
What you have said is terrifying to hear, and I have trouble even imagining the experience that you are having and how intense but also up and down the feelings you are having must be. I am VERY glad that you came to write about it here, and I hope that telling us felt like a tether to reality, even for a brief moment. I am wondering if the current dissociated feelings that you are having have changed your suicidal thoughts — do you think that they might be more out of control than you had previously felt they were? Is there anyone you can reach out to if you feel like you are losing control and unable to stop yourself in the moment?
Let us know how we can help you, vel. I’m very scared for you, and saddened that you are experiencing such disturbing moments so completely alone. We are here for you if you need us. Please keep posting on the forum, and feel free to chat in, if it will help you find a coherent thread to follow in the confusion.
The Support TeamDear Sophiexx,
I can see that you are holding onto life by just a thread. The attraction you feel towards suicide is overwhelmingly powerful, and I can hear how terrifying it is to be walking this path, feeling unsafe and so out of control.
If you need emergency help it’s really important that you call 911 or Chat, Text or Call an emergency service. The Youthspace Chat volunteers can connect you to intervention support every evening 6-11pm, but the Forum isn’t an immediate response
I’m scared for your safety Sophiexx. Your life is important to us. The fact that you keep reaching out to us tells me that you have a source of inner strength and determination to get help. And we want to help keep that part of you – the part that keeps posting here – alive.
We are here for you Sophiexx. Stay connected.
<img src="smileys/heart.gif" width="" height="" alt="<3" title=" The Support TeamWelcome to the forum, Fred D.!
I get the sense that in your youth you felt so abandoned and let down by so many adults you began to question if anyone would ever truly be there for you and take care of you. It sounds like you fought your way through some intensely dark times to come out strong the other side, as though you are a phoenix rising from the ashes of your former life.
We are grateful for your words of support for youth who are struggling today…thank you for sharing your story here, and letting people who may be lost know you are there to help them find their way. The more we can all support each other, the better this world will be
the Support Team
Hey Terezi,
It seems to me that the emotional roller coaster that has become your daily life is starting to make you feel physically nauseous as well as totally mixed up and dizzy in your own thoughts. I would guess it’s really hard to know what you really want when your emotions are so unreliable….something might make you deliriously happy one minute and then angry or despondent the next, making it hard to trust those emotions are paying attention to what’s really going on in your life or if they’re just playing their own game with you as their pawn.
I can hear all the pressure you feel in your head from the emotional soup that is trapped and can’t get out, and I get the sense your past is a big part of that soup…perhaps it’s even the spoon that stirs everything else up in your mind and heart?
I know the self harm you mentioned was a little while ago, I’m wondering where your urge to self harm is at right now?
Keep checking in, Terezi…I hope it helps to unload some of what is going on in your head with us
The Support Team
Hey neverenough,
Thanks for sharing your story here. There’s so much agony in your words. I can hear how helpless you’ve been feeling in the face of your (really powerful) feelings for this man. He is obviously a huge part of both your life and your emotional self, and it sounds like losing him is throwing your whole world into a storm of confusion and pain. I’m sorry to hear that you are hurting so badly right now. :'(
It seems like a large part of your pain comes from the resilience that your relationship had in the past – like part of why this hurts so badly is because you HAVE experienced things before that seemed to be insurmountable, and made it through. It must be hard to make yourself believe that it might actually be over – especially when he is still present in your life as the parent of your child. Like he is half there, and half not.
I’m glad to hear that you are willing to reach out and try to find ways to help yourself through the sadness. It sounds though, like the talking and therapy seem barely able to address the storm of emotions. I’m wondering if you have found anything else that helps you cope when you’re feeling really hopeless and distressed?
I wish I had the answer for you. I really do. I can hear that you are trying to deal with the feelings with everything that you’ve got, and really want a way to get through them. We’re here if you want to talk more about it. You can also access a counsellor over email on this site, and use our chat service.
Stay strong.
-The Support TeamHey Scarlet Ohara…
It sounds like you put yourself out there by telling this friend that you had fallen for him…I can hear how the vulnerability that you showed has you feeling really exposed now, and making you wonder what is going through his head. It sounds like an agonizing flurry of questions are whirling round inside of you right now. You’re totally uncertain about how he feels – and it’s hard to interpret what his actions mean. I would guess that there are moments when it’s hard to focus on anything but wondering, wondering about him.
I can tell that he matters a lot to you still, and that you’re really looking for a way to clear things up so that you’re not always guessing about the state of your relationship with him…. It sounds complicated and really stressful. I can hear how at this point, you want just want something to happen – anything to be able to leave this limbo of uncertainty behind….
We’re here to listen – feel free to use this space to talk through some of the confusion.
The Support Team
Hi Terezi,
Thank for the updates.Self harm is a complicated thing, hey? You harmed because it felt like a release — a way to dampen the intensity of the anxiety that you were feeling. In that moment, it probably helped a great deal to have it as an option. Afterwards, though, it sounds like there were aftershocks that were hard to face — you boyfriend’s sadness, and your own anger at yourself. I would imagine that those effects created a bunch more stress that you’ve had to deal with.
I get the sense that it’s like there’s a voice in your head, constantly telling you to expect the worst with your bf and friends, and that even though you know that the voice isn’t really making sense, it’s impossible not to listen to it. I can understand how frustrating that is, Terezi – like you know that the voice is trying to scare you more than you should be scared, but you can’t stop reacting to it.
You talk about distracting yourself when you’re thinking about harming — I’m going to share a page here that has a good list of distractions, just in case you’d be interested in some ideas. We’re also always interested in hearing new ideas, if you want to share any. http://www.nshn.co.uk/downloads/Distractions.pdf
The Support Team
Terezi and Fallen Down, it’s wonderful to see you sharing tips and words of support with each other to help cope with anxiety. Thank you for helping one another feel a little less alone in this world, as well as others who may be browsing this forum and feeling anxious and alone.
As always, know that we are here for both of you for support, as you have been for each other
The Support Team
Hey Daniel!
Welcome to the forum
It’s great to see a supportive and enthusiastic community member come here with an open heart for those that need it.We keep all our forum posts anonymous to protect the information of those on here, that’s why we’ve edited your post slightly. Folks are encouraged to connect with those who are posting on here by replying in their threads with words of caring and support.
Thank you for using what you have been through to bring strength to others!
the Support Team
Hi Isabel0595,
Thanks for checking in with us about your self-harm. It sounds like although you feel a little more in control of the behaviour, you’re also dismayed to find that the feelings of worthlessness and defeat are just as overwhelming. I would guess you’re feeling damned if you do and damned if you don’t with your self harm, as your thoughts remain dark and scared no matter what you try. How have the last few days been since you posted?
I get the sense from your comments about finding us on google that you don’t often come across folks who give a shit in your life. We do. Please feel welcome to come tell us about what’s on your mind whenever you need to, either on here or on our live chat from 6pm-11pm PST (or til midnight on Fridays and Saturdays).
We’ll be thinking of you,
the Support Team
