Hello FallenAngel,

Welcome to the Forum and thank you for your courage. Sounds like you have battled self harm and suicidal thoughts for a very very long time. I’m glad to hear that the medication is helping a bit but I can really hear how afraid you are to find yourself in the same dark and scary state as in the past.

I can imagine how nerve-wracking it is to think of telling someone – especially someone you really like – about the depression and everything you have been through. On the one hand you want your boyfriend to know all the sides of you, but on the other hand you have been burned before and felt the judgment of those you confide in, and it seems now that the risk of telling your boyfriend whats really going on for you might be too high?

I’m really sorry to hear about your grandma’s condition. I can hear that your grandma means the world to you and the bond that you two have is everlasting. Sounds like it is excruciating for you to watch her deteriorate in this way

You have a lot on your plate right now! I’m thinking you are overwhelmed; working to balance protecting your siblings, conflict with you parents, success at school, your relationship with your boyfriend, and friends…all the while struggling with your own inner battles. I’m really glad you reached out to us to talk about all this, cos you shouldn’t have to go thru this alone.

Sounds like you are working really hard to combat those thoughts of self harm, yet suicide and past habits keep coming to your mind….can you tell me more about what helps you avoid self harm when everything seems hopeless and the world seems to be fighting against you?

We are here for you FallenAngel…feel free to Chat in 6-11pm PST any night you want to talk.

Thinking of you and sending support,

The Support Team

Hi M,

Welcome to youthspace. You’ll notice that we changed your post a bit, just to remove some of the identifying information, as we try to preserve our users’ anonymity.

You are struggling with some huge existential questions, by the sounds of it. I can really hear how in everyday life, you recognize that you seem to be doing pretty well, but that none of it truly seems to cover up this yawning void that exists below the surface. I’m guessing that sometimes, when you look at your life, it seems like those hobbies and roles that you have built for yourself are just there to hide the true emptiness behind. I can hear how pointless it all seems, when you can’t locate the meaning behind anything.

I really wish I had an answer for you, M. I think that the questions you are asking are ones that people often wonder about (indeed, are very central to a lot of philosophy), and I can understand how numb you can become trying to process the enormity of them.

Although I can hear that life seems to be empty of the kind of meaning that would make you desire to go on living it, I’m glad to hear that you are not actively intent on ending your life.

I’m curious if you’ve asked the same questions elsewhere? Has there been an answer that resonated with you more than others?
The Support Team

Hello, Rosie98.

It’s cool that you decided to try the forum, despite your caution about writing about yourself. We’ll certainly never tell you that you shouldn’t write here because “people have it worse in other places”. We believe that everyone’s feelings are legitimate and real, and VERY meaningful to them, regardless of how they might look to anybody else. Who would I be to tell you how meaningful your feelings are compared to anyone else’?

I get the sense, from your words, Rosie98, that you’re feeling lost in the hubbub and anger around you. It sounds like your home life is filled with tension, and you don’t have many people to turn to outside of your family. I’m picturing you clinging to a rock in the middle of a rushing river, trying hard not to get swept away by the chaos around you. That panicky feeling that nobody cares, and everyone is too occupied with their own rush to notice you and really care…

It sounds like you’ve felt disappointment so often, and been brushed aside by so many people, that you purposely set your expectations really low so that you don’t have to feel that way again. I’m sorry to hear that the people around you leave you hurting and lonely time and time again. I wonder if it leaves you questioning whether you are even worth their time?

I’m glad that you tried out the chat AND that you wrote here. We’re here to listen to whatever is going on for you.

The Support Team

Hey Dan,

I get the sense your exhaustion and sadness has been alleviated a bit this weekend, but that you are also worried that the strength you are feeling is false as it’s only an effect of the pills. I would guess it’s a scary feeling to rely so much on the pills to give you a sense of calm in your life, and that it’s hard for you to feel in control of your thoughts and emotions.

I can hear how distrustful you are of your own emotions right now. It seems like you are grateful for the relief you get when your pills are working as they should, but that you are also feeling stuck with the suicidal thoughts and confused about how you can address them while you are on the pills. Are you worried that your thoughts of suicide will take you over? What have you been thinking lately when it comes to suicide?

Take care, Dan.
the Support Team

Hi Martin,

I’m hearing that you’re still very torn between feelings of hopelessness and aspirations for the future… like that college course still holds your interest but there are so many barriers in the way that you can’t see yourself there. It sounds like at your core you really long to be happy – to find a future for yourself with someone to love and a career that makes you happy.

I imagine the summer seems to be stretching endlessly in front of you with no real plans and with the awareness that your parents expect you to go out and socialize. It’s like you’re being forced out of your safe zone (home) and into the world without your parents understanding just how agonizing that can be for you.

I can see how confused you feel over your feelings for this girl who is your confidant as well as your ex and the girl you fell for recently. Those are a lot of different emotions to process and all coming at you from different angles — coupled with the question of whether they would truly care once you were gone.

We are here for you Martin when you need to share and feel heard.

Oh Martin,
It sounds like the devastation of feeling so alone with this pain, and being forced to stay away from the girl who you had grown so close to, are adding to the sadness that you were already carrying around. It sounds like the threads that have been holding you up are being cut one by one, and it’s getting harder and harder to take those added rejections. It’s heart-wrenching to hear how utterly finished you are feeling… :’(

My heart goes out to you, Martin. There have been so many moments of having your love shattered since November. I’m imagining that the sense of rejection and intense sadness is always there, making it impossible to feel worthy of life and love. You know that it will hurt people if you kill yourself, but I also get the sense that it’s beginning to be hard to believe that anyone would care for long… It sounds like you have become convinced that they SHOULDN’T care — that you’re not worth it.

I can hear how bitterly saddening your family’s praise was, when inside you are felt like crumbling away. I think it was really strong that you held on long enough to see graduation through and fulfill that goal. As present as thoughts of death are, I wonder if there is anything else now that might help you to keep going? Before, you mentioned your interest in pursuing a certain program at college. I’m curious (you don’t have to answer if it’s an uncomfortable question) about whether you still see that as a possibility for you?

We think you are VERY worth it, Martin. Despite the heartache and emotional drag that you’ve been through, your words reveal how much you desire to connect with — and care for — people.

Sending love your way,
The Support Team

It sounds like you’re drowning in frustration and agony, unnoticed by those around you. I hear how in your weariness and pain, it would be nice to have someone show that they care instead of telling you how small your feelings are and trying to sweep them under the rug. I can imagine that it leaves you feeling not only alone, but also hopeless about trusting people to be there for you…

I get the sense that you’ve been hurt by people a lot in the past, pandashaee. It sounds like you’re fed up with humans in general because of the many times you’ve been betrayed. It’s totally a difficult place to be, feeling like you want connection with people, but simultaneously feeling like there’s no point because it will just result in more anguish. The sadness of looking forward and seeing yourself constantly alone seems like it would be overwhelming, and it sounds like it’s part of the hopelessness that makes suicide an inviting escape.

It sounds like you are drawn to suicide as an escape from everything, but that you don’t think you’d be able to do it. I wonder if you would be able to reach out here or somewhere else if you found yourself really close to ending your own life?

Keep connected pandashaee, and we’ll do our best to hear all of what’s going on for you.

-The Support Team

Martin,

While it might be weird to say it’s nice to hear from you (cos like you said, your absence was an indication that things were going well) I will say that we noticed your temporary disappearance from the Forum

I can really hear the pain with which you relay this story Martin…sounds like you had so much hope for your relationship with this girl. You had a really unique and honest connection, and you felt safe and supported sharing your story and struggles with her, just as she did with you. I can only imagine the shock and devastation you feel now, having that support and connection ripped away from you. Seems like this pattern of being left by those people that you trust and become vulnerable with is really wearing you down…

It hurts to think that everyone is pulling away, right when you need their support the most Can you tell me where you are at with your suicidal thoughts today?

I know that sometimes you feel completely alone in this battle Martin, and I’m truly thankful that you continue to connect with us. We aren’t going anywhere. I’m wondering how your weekend went? How do you take care of yourself when no one else has your back?

Stay strong.
the Support Team