Martin it is so rad to hear that you have found an outlet in rugby! Sounds like you feel a real sense of tranquility after letting go of so much over practice. We always love hearing about what works for you! So cool that something as physically exhausting as rugby can be so emotionally recharging

It sounds like you are at a really exciting place in relation to your ex. I get the sense that you are inspired by this opportunity to have her back in your life as a friend. I’m thinking it’s like a door has opened into new, unknown possibilities.

Keep us posted as to how you’re doing Martin.
Sending smiles,
the Support Team

Hey there,

Good to hear from you again Martin.

It sounds like with everything keeping you occupied lately, you’ve been able to squeeze out slightly from under the heaviness that was weighing you down. Definitely cool that you did end up getting into rugby; is it fun?

Under the surface though, it sounds like there are rumbles that are making you wonder if an emotional earthquake is coming on… I get the sense that looking forward to grad is still something that doesn’t feel good at all, and it’s getting more ominous as the date approaches… It must be intimidating to think about approaching someone, especially when you feel like you’ll just get rejected. And it sounds like you’re feeling unwanted by the other people at your school too.. which just adds to the stress and worry about how grad will go? :'(

Thanks for letting us know how you’re doing right now, and for being honest about suicidal thoughts. We’re definitely “hear” to support you, however strong those feelings are.

The Support Team

Hey Hullaballoo22,

Sounds like you’ve got alot on your mind these days.. I imagine you’re feeling pretty stuck. Wanting to reach out and form these relationships, wanting to feel included and part of it all.. yet at the same time the activities that most of the people around you are partaking in and talking about (ie sex, drinking etc) are not experiences that appeal to you at all. I have a vision of you screaming to the sky in frustration, because there seems to be no answer. Do you bow to peer pressure and start doing these things that you don’t want to, or do you stick to your guns and continue to feel left out…

I can tell that your beliefs and convictions are very important to you. With the song, I picture you on the verge of feeling powerful in your ‘oddball’ness.. if only you could find other oddballs to rebel with. I suspect it might only add to your sense of loneliness, hearing a song that is supposed to pump you up to be who you are with the rest of the oddballs, but having it make you feel like you are the only one who feels that way..

I hear you searching for meaning and for connection… and I’m glad you have reached out to talk about this with us…have you been able to open up to anyone else in your life about these feelings of isolation?

Stay connected,
The Support Team

Hey Martin,

I get the sense that you spend a lot of time watching and trying to understand the world, and that when you look at your life, as if you were outside of it, you see a guy who seems to have so much going right. And it’s hard then, to be in this place where you can see that, but you know that under the layers of accomplishment and success, there’s a deep agony of loneliness and grief. I can hear your frustration at not being able to emotionally feel what it seems like you ought to be able to feel.

What a huge relief and powerful gift to have found someone with whom you can be so open and honest…but on the other hand, it sounds like there’s a part of you that’s holding back because of her connection to your ex. I would imagine that it feel like every step you take has to be analyzed closely so that things don’t get weird. That must add to the stress and uncertainty immensely, and make you question whether you can really trust yourself to that support?
You’re still walking on the edge, hey? That’s a scary and delicate place to be, and I can totally understand why the supports that you have mean so much right now. It sounds like they are the only things holding you up, and it’s still barely enough. :’(

Sending love (and a virtual hug) your way,
-The Support Team

Oh grenouille,

It sounds like everywhere you turn, doors are being slammed in your face. I can hear how badly you want someone, anyone, to stop tearing you down, and maybe take a moment to help build you up again.

It must be intensely difficult to feel like you can trust anyone at all, when so many around you have been so callous or even downright abusive (I hope you know that you DO NOT deserve to be treated like this). I would imagine that it’s incredibly exhausting and agonizing just trying to be around people, and to look for support, when some have hurt you so badly…

I get the sense that you’re somewhat disappointed in yourself for not being able to stand up to the way that they treat you. I’m guessing that there’s a feeling like “If I was just stronger, then things would be different”, and that it’s painful not only because of the malice they show you, but because you feel like you are responsible for some of it?

That’s a huge burden to bear, grenouille. We are here to listen if you want to talk more about it.

-The Support Team

Hi Martin,

Sometimes a step back can give a bit of perspective (like looking at a picture in an art gallery), and it sounds like taking some time to look at the positive things that have been happening in your life has given some clarity about how your feeling, or how you want to feel, about the way your life is going.

The image in my mind is that of a bird with a weight tied to its ankle…like you know that you want to fly, and that the sky is so close, but that the weight is too much to lift. Sounds like even though there’s quite a few good things going on for you, that there are still some things pulling you down.. I get the sense that these girls using you as a rebound really hurts.. that even though you weren’t interested in this girl, you still want to be seen and liked for you.. not as a way for a girl to get over another guy..

You mention that the thoughts of suicide have really been triggered lately, especially by the assembly. It scares me that you feel like your friend’s support might not be enough to help you through…it sounds like the edge is really close sometimes. I’m so glad that you connected with us again; I can’t imagine that it was easy to reach out, especially if you’re feeling indifferent to your own life right now. :’(

Thanks for staying connected,

The Support Team

DevilKisses,
You write with such clarity. I can hear that your loneliness is really impacting how you value your life. I get the sense that connecting with other people has never been easy for you, and now this overwhelming loneliness has left you wondering if you will ever find ‘your people’.

It sounds like your lack of friends has left you feeling completely alone in the world. I can hear how hard it is to sustain life, feeling so excluded You mentioned that you fear your life moving towards suicide as a way out of this complete solitude…that makes me scared for you DevilKisses. What is keeping you alive?

I’m really grateful that you have shared your feelings here with us. I can hear how important it is for you to make friends right now, and we truly want to support you with this. Did any of Callie’s suggestions sound appealing? What sorts of ways have you thought of to improve your situation?

Stay connected
the Support Team

Hi Martin,
I get the sense that memories of your ex are still consuming your mind. I’m imagining that seeing her everyday isn’t helping your process of moving on either :S

Seems like you are constantly reminded of her and your time together. I hear frustration at friends who don’t get how important she was to you. How are you taking care of yourself during this time of grieving and processing?

You speak so honestly about suicide. I can hear the temptation of avoiding all the potential pain of grad, and ending the horribly hopeless feelings you are holding. I’m scared thinking of all the weight that suicide holds in your mind….what is helping you stay alive right now?

Your courage in speaking about these thoughts of suicide is powerful Martin. I’m sad to hear your honesty isn’t always received with warm support. Suicide is still a topic that makes lots of people uncomfortable. So thank you for being a safe person to talk to about suicide. Know that we are here for you.

Thank you for sharing your strength with us.

Stay connected,
The Support Team